One of the things I have learned, as much as hate to admit it, is that I am not in control. Yes, I, like the rest of you, can make ‘choices’ but it is sorta like choosing which oars to use for your vessel while the water carries you down the turbulent current of life’s rivers sometimes.
I thought my life was going to be ‘clear cut’, direct and to the point. I thought it was going to make ‘sense’, it was going to be orderly. Elizabeth once asking me about the ‘perfect day’ and my spontaneous answer was ‘it would be an orderly day’.
(Talk about a boring cat, huh?) Well, my life hasn’t turned out that way.
- It didn’t come out in order.
- It didn’t pan out the way I thought. (Hopefully got a ways to go before it’s over).
- My plans don’t always have ANYTHING to do with what happens.
- The future is fogged over. I really don’t know when the runway lights are going to emerge out of the mist or when the details of the shoreline will come clear.
The road is broken for sure. When I go to work, church, hang with my family or Elizabeth’s, I stand as a broken man. Sometime I hide it, sometimes I don’t. There are times when I can tell the years of stuff has taken it’s toll and something isn’t ‘right’ or something is ‘off’. Could it be Haven or the years of things that accumulated over the time like mold on a tree? Maybe, but one thing Elizabeth tries to teach me is pointing fingers and finding out solves little. Living with what I have is the point.
Let me be very clear. I have been given so, so much. My life is over filled with blessings and if If I could change something I wouldn’t.
But when I look at ‘things’ and take stock I need to say, if it were not for God providing Elizabeth I am not sure where I would be. She has met me in the darkest of hours and literally sat with me through the worst on some of the empty shore lines I have washed up on. I had no idea “God help” would come in the form of her. She didn’t ask for anything from me, she just sat and gave me the space to come apart and come back together. I think to her I must look like a Picasso painting, disjointed and out of place.
There is a sweetness to Elizabeth I’ve never understood or think I can understand. What she has, I don’t. She brings to the table a full balanced meal while I bring a pot of soup, still in the pot just off the stove, on a hot mat. She is a calm and gentle balm and breeze to my brokenness and she has a willingness to accept what is. She is truly the first person that ever lived out the words ‘partner’ for 
me.
This relationship isn’t tidy. It’s a ragged difficult road for both of us and for those who are looking for a life and relationship of straight lines, ‘the way it ought to be’ etc., don’t look here. Humanness abounds… But what it does have is a lasting strength I never knew. I remember explaining this ‘odd’ situation to my mother and in her calm, loving words she said, ‘We love her because she loves you”.
Nothing more, nothing less.
I take a lot of grief for not being actually married yet and I know the time of ‘waiting’ is there for a number of reasons. I just want to say, I know it’s tough on Elizabeth, but we want to do what is best for ‘everyone’, not just ourselves.
Elizabeth really loves Valentine’s day. I thought maybe for this year, given our current situation, that I would write her a Valentines card via the my blog.
Dearest,
Time and distance isn’t always on our side. Obstacles abound and our lives have many hurdles in front of us. But when I look into your eyes, through your soul, I know we see each other for who were are; Broken, bandaged and taped back together but very much in love. Much like standing on a warm sandy dune overlooking the unending seas of wind and surf, or looking into the blackness of eternity, twinkled with billions of love lights from our Father, I know …
The love I have for you will never end.
I can look over the past of life and see how your path crossed mine many times yet never met. Though we’ve both learned about the fleeting nature of a time, and how slow it can seem, we know the sweep of the hands on a clock, the passing of hours, days, months and years flash by in mere seconds. The time I’ve had with you has changed me in ways too numerable to state and too personal to share…but thank you doesn’t come close.
Every day I have with my son I know you helped make happen. I literally don’t think I would be here if God had not sent you my way and you had hadn’t taken the chance. Everything good that has come my way in the last few years, you’ve had a part of either supporting or making it happen.
There are so many times we’ve had together where you’ve imprinted my heart, mind and soul. When I asked you to marry me we were watching the warm, fading sunlight ripple over the Croatan Sound sitting on the stern of the Downeast Rover, a gentle breeze filling her sails, North East of Manteo. I remember the look in your eyes and the warmth from your heart when you said ‘yes’.
To me it was finally coming home.
(I also remember the lady sitting rather close giving commentary to the whole ship!)
I am convinced, in whatever time, place, century in life God might have planted us,
I would have recognized you,
I would have found you,
I would have loved you.
I know it isn’t ‘our time’ but I am waiting right here…for you.
Till then just know,
I love you,
Peace on your journey this week.
