Elizabeth Love and I were talking yesterday about the things ‘we know’ and the things ‘we don’t know’, vs. the things we ‘think we know’. Not quite sure you are aware of this but how may times do we judge people and situations based on the above? There are so many events happening in life for both of us right now and it’s hard to keep up. We both are intuitive folk. We both value the ‘unseen’ and ‘unspoken’ sometimes more than the ‘seen’ and ‘spoken’.
I have LOTS of opinions. Some I think, are formulated from years of experience. A pastor friend, Doug Hammack, has often said things like
“The voices of the ancients tell us a story we should listen too.” i.e. …
- “Those who have gone before can teach us a lot.”
- “Why reinvent the wheel?”
But my personal experience and maybe yours also, is sorta’ like a highway. I drive anywhere from 30,000 to 50,000 miles a year. Have you ever seen a highway refurbishing project take place? They bring in a huge grinding tool that chews up the layers of the surface to get down to the bottom to start over. I guess, just like looking at the strata of geological age, you can learn things from the different layers of road that had been laid down originally, and have been built on. Thing is, for myself… when I look at my life and examine the layers, it’s to the point where I don’t remember exactly what was going on that created that pattern or ‘strata’ of my own foundation, and why it is there.
How did that get there?
Which leads me to my question. How do we know what we know? Something from 20 years ago made perfect sense and now, well, it doesn’t seem as relevant as it seemed back then.
In conjunction with this, I also respect emotional intelligence. I respect intuition way more than the facts in front of you at times. Why? The 2 dimensional world of facts leaves out the texture and magic of every fiber of a moment. Moments make up hours, hours make up days, days make up weeks, months, years, and a life. As most folks at my age, we are already looking back saying ‘How did I get here?’ Instead of living so fast and so ‘untuned-in’ to the depth around you, what would happen if you took the time to look ‘up’ and ‘through’ what is around you and ‘live’ it, not just ‘see’ it?
You think your part to play is to just ‘mosey’ along at a pace struggling against ‘the man, the system’, but the real challenge is to accept what you are and learn to play the instrument which is your gift that you have been uniquely given. Far too often we settle for, ‘getting by’ when ‘getting on top’ is where we belong.
Does that mean we are all winners in everything we do? Does that all mean we get a trophy for just showing up and sitting on the side lines?
Let me tell you about something that recently happened to me.
Flying seems to be part of me. No, I don’t mean I ‘like it’. I mean, there is something about it that is ‘part of me’. I can run from it, deny it, try to justify not being a part of it, but at the end of my days I know flying, living my life above, is somehow connected to something in my soul, in my being.
Twenty plus years ago, I took what I thought was my last fight. I was young, poor and married. My mate couldn’t look at an airplane without getting sick and it just ‘seemed’ that this wasn’t going to be part of my life like I thought it was. I thought I was going to be a missionary pilot flying between the Micronesian island chain. Like I said, I was young, learning was ‘easy’, my mind and body hadn’t been broken down from years of ‘life’. Fast forward those 20 plus years and I am sitting in a cockpit of an ageing Cessna 172, with an instructor, and Elizabeth sitting in the back cheering me on. We taxied around the tarmac for a few minutes then took to the active. (Runway). I make the call, “Henderson Oxford traffic, 8432U (uniform) is departing runway 24 to the south. Henderson-Oxford.” Full throttle and we are vibrating down the runway. The faster we went, the more the years rolled off me like I was shedding layers of doubt, fear, regret; layers of ‘I can’t do this anymore, I am not good enough, not smart enough, not capable enough’. Rotation speed arrives, I pull back and leave the ground, nose pointed to the heavens. There were tears and smiles all around. So I fly… and I learn. It isn’t my job. My job is directing a call center. That is a 7 day a week kinda’ gig. But flying is what it is… part of me. Maybe one day my flying can be a source of income, or maybe I can teach others to fly. Who knows…
But in the last year I have been working on my Instrument rating (IFR). I have been told outside of your Airline Transport License (ATP), that this is the hardest. I am a single dad, work long hard hours, live out of a suitcase so to speak, and don’t have much of any ‘down’ time. I study when I can… 30 minutes here, there, anywhere I can get it.
Last week I sat for the IFR written exam. I am prone to negative thinking and panic, but this ‘jackwagon’ of a guy was in front of me on test day. He and the proctor kept going on and on and how difficult this test was and how a lot of folks fail this test. This was round two for him. I was thinking to myself, “Thanks guys, I so appreciate your encouragement.”
The last time I took an FAA test was 25 years ago. Paper was the word… pencil, that sort of thing. The CATS system, (Online computer) was new to me. I was nervous and didn’t really ‘know’ I would do well or even pass. This little ‘event’ with the person going ahead of me didn’t help at ALL.
I went through the signing up, picture ID, etc, and was taken to the test center. No a homey sorta’ place. My ‘friend’ was already hard at work. I sat down, prayed and started. I had made the decision not to let a couple of questions throw me off because they are going to ask me 61 questions out of 1078. So… first question… never heard of it or seen it. Nuts! Second question… two down in flames. (Voices are now talking in my head). 3rd question… never heard of. Voice are getting louder and have flowery descriptive adjectives in their sentences about how stupid I am! By question 10 I was ready to walk. Even with all of the study and prep it was clear, I am what I know myself to be: A LOSER and not capable, and or ready for this. Those days are gone, those years were thrown away. I should settle for what I have and not push it. I know Elizabeth will love me no matter what.
Then in the midst of the voices, which were, by the way, screaming, it hit me, “This is a lesson to learn at worst,” don’t waste it or walk. Run to the end, and never ever give up. Now the voices are in shrieking madness and the name calling is bad. 🙂 I kept going and found a question I knew, then another, then another. I kept at it and 20 minutes later I was on the other side of the test. I decided to go to to every question I didn’t know, re-read them carefully and give it my best shot at understanding what I was reading and what the question was saying.
20 more minutes and I was resigned to the ‘fight the good fight’ attitude. Boy did I learn a lot from this exam, and I have a lot of work to do to be ready for next time around. The voices were gone. They didn’t win but I could feel the aftereffects of something akin to being abused. I was wounded and really wanted to give up. I ‘submitted’ my test expecting a grade. Instead I was prompted to give a survey. Okay, sure why not… So I answered the survey and then clicked the ‘are you sure you are finished’ button.
Click
Circles turn, bits pass back and forth between my machine and the CATS server then a pop up “Congratulations you’ve passed!”
I almost fell out of my chair.
And… I know… the lesson wasn’t so much of staying with it as…
‘What do I believe about me and how do I know?’
Here is what I know.
- I want to fly.
- I want to see lives changed.
- I want to see people laugh.
- I want to see people intersect with Grace.
- I want to be a good father to my son.
- I want to be good to Elizabeth.
- I want people to have a relations with the one that goes beyond time and space.
How do I know this?
It’s in me…
And it’s in you…
Go find it…
Peace this week on your journey.
